Currently New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2) By Stephenie Meyer see related

i thought i was so over you.

It's been years since the time i saw you. You don't know I exist, but for me you are my all. We sometimes see each other but it's just me who feels.  I really  never have you but it seems that i really know you. i thought that I'm a rational person, i thought that i already buried you in my past, that what i felt was not real. but just the thought of you, feels like an electicity just passed in my body. but you're really not with me, and you'll never be.

Now i know why i'm liking this guy, it is because he looks just like you, he acts just like you, he is like you in every way. He doesn't care if i exist too, just like you. I thought I'm falling for him just the way I fell for you but the truth is I didn't fall for him because of who he is but because he maybe a substitute of you.  History really does repeat itself, and it is only now that i realize that, Been so many years, almost 5 you see, but it is still you, and will always be you. The truth is has been staring my face for so long. 

I thought I was over you but the truth is, I will never be over you. You are my first love, my only love. Now I know why I failed so many relationships because all this time, no one can replace you in my heart. I can't cry anymore because you'll never hear anyway. I'm crazy yes I am, Crazy for you, Guido.

You'll always be in my heart always, forever. I truly am madly, deeply, crazily in LOVE with you.

I need socks

 I've been very worried lately and my defense mechanism, well procrastination, like watching t.v. 8 hours straight then binge eating then facing my computer for several hours. I turn my cellphone off and baically don't want to talk to any of my friends and relatives.

I dn't know why I'm feeling this, it all started the morning I woke up and realize that I don't have classes anymore. I felt like I don't have anything to do. Well I'm not really feeling worried but I feel like everything that hurt me i all coming to me like a storm or something. I fear like there is something wrong that is going to happen. I have nevr felt this lost like I can't think straight. Whenever someone asks me what I feel, I put up these walls and lie. I make them believe that "of course I'm ok, or of course It was so much fun. I laugh out loud when inside I'm dying. A erson who really cares for me, who is also my mentor is the only person who could sense something. She sees my soul. Once she said "what happened to you? are you hurt?" I want to scream YES! but i said I just feel dizzy. =(

seeing reality

            I've been escaping, I've been dreaming, I've been so afraid to face the truth. I want to conceal eerything that I feel because I fear. I'm a coward. Whooh! it is really hard to admit that.

          All this time I've been walking around like I ain't afraid of anything but the truth I quiver when their is a responsibility ahead of me. I dreamt of becoming this great person who is so succesful, who is so happy, who has everything. Is it going to be just a dream, forever? I make-believe for so long, I thought I'm no longer that person for the past few weeks. I feel like I'm failing in my own little project called IMPROVEMENT. I feel like the pain and the failures is pushing me to the edge called SURRENDER.

          Been regressing and it aint helping. I know I should control the situation not the other way around but who said it's always going to be a breeze? No one. That's why we are always striving, there is always tension and all we have to do is face it, conquer it, and learn from it. Simple as that. Easy to say but so hard to do.  

wounded soldier

    I feel so weak, so down, so bad. I know it hurts but I hid it. I didn't tell anyone what I really feel, I even lied by saying there is another plan. But I know it already hit me hard when I learned that there is no other way of achieving my dream for the past couple of weeks.

   Maybe it's what God wants me too have because my intentions I know is not always good. Mostly it's because I want to show it off, maybe that's why I could only reach my dreams when I close my eyes and imagine. My heart sank whenever I think about that situation that hurt me so much. It makes me think if I still haver the guts to take responsibilities, to stick to what I started or even to care. When I stop caring I know I'm starving my soul because I stopped listening to my conscience. I'm not saying that I feel better when I hurt or ridicule others but maybe it does make me feel good a little. I know it's wrong but when you're life is hanging by a cliff and you feel like you're gonna fall you must admit that seeing others fall makes you feel that you're human. We all have our up's and down's but nevertheless you should stop criticizing others because it could become an addiction and you don't want that to happen to you. =)

people who speak so much has a lot to write

      Everyday I start my day by talking with people and sometimes talking TO people. Well, I talk a lot sometimes from my academics to nonsense stuff my friend ida and I loves to talk about, if I may confess. Sometimes I think maybe I talk a lot that sometimes I speak more than the necessary. It's sometimes annoys people and haunts me at night because I might have caused a fire because I can't keep my mouth shut. But my real problem right now is putting those ideas into words and especially into printed symbols especially when those ideas are unique, witty, substantial and a once in a lifetime spark of the mind moment. It's so hard when you're in that dilemma. It seems that your ideas are nothing and are useless when you're not able to transform it into meaningful words.

       I want to be good in doing that, especially that I'm going to become a teacher. I want to inspire, to impact and influence my students through my own words. I want to be good in writing what I want to say, and not let language barriers and speech blemishes affect my quest in fulfilling my dream. I know I could write a lot because I have lots of ideas overflowing with creativity when I think and speak. And now that I know that I want to develop that skill that I think I might really be good at I will not stop writing, I will not stop practicing. Who knows the saying "practice makes perfect" might just apply to my waning writing ability.=) 

           What keeps me from writing well? That's my question to myself and question I would like you- my reader to also think about. Maybe before you go to sleep we might just find the answer.

            huh! Writing really is a therapy.=) And I'm glad I did this tonight. =)